I never turn off all the lights in my place before heading out at night. I like to come home to a light on. It isn’t because I’m afraid of the dark, it is because the dark is afraid of me. I don’t like to have a culture of fear inside my dojo. However, on this night, I found myself making sure everything was off before leaving. It was a very out-of-body experience for me because I felt like I had no control over what I was doing. I remember thinking, “why am I turning everything off, I never do this.” I couldn’t stop myself. It was as if my body knew I wasn’t coming home that night. It was right.
 
I made my way over to Rira’s on Tryon for a few pints of Guinness as the sun set. I’ve taken several trips over to Ireland in my lifetime and have developed a great affinity for Guinness in the process. Besides being my beer of choice, it is also quite filling. Starting off with a few pints of Guinness usually curtails how much I drink the rest of the night. I like Rira around 7pm. When the 12yr old faces roll in with Mommy and Daddy’s credit card – you know it is time to leave. Though they usually head upstairs, their douchebag–ness seeps through the floor boards and threatens to contaminate whatever you’re drinking. Upon contamination, you too will become a douche so I suggest you leave before that happens.
 
I decided to allow my python let loose before leaving. Upon entering the restroom my decision to leave was quickly affirmed by seeing a dude staring himself in the mirror probably wondering which was standing up straighter, his collar or his hair. Asshole.
 
I contemplated grabbing another pint at O’Connelly’s as I made my way to the Epicenter, but I didn’t want to pay the cover.
 
On this night, I forced myself to the Epicenter because I hadn’t been in ages. To outsiders I can see how the Epicenter is cool. To locals, it sucks. Why?
 1 - Getting a drink at BlackFinn is damn near impossible. The place is way to crowded. Hence, it sucks.
 2 - Suite acts like it is the greatest nightclub God ever created. This isn’t NY. People don’t need to wait in line for 2hrs. Hence, it sucks.
 3 - Okay, Howl at the Moon, I might be the minority on this but the ‘musicians’ you currently employ suck. Good thing I can listen to them with a tiny-ass $10 Red Bull Vodka.
 4 - Whiskey River is a glorified Dixies, except they have a cover and mechanical bull. If I wanted to watch women ride a machine I would toss in my favorite porno: "Watch RoboCop Pop"

Anyways, I proceeded to the one bar in the Epicenter I can tolerate, that being Mortimers. I proceeded to post up at the bar and get bamboozled. About 45min in a cute blonde lady sat beside me and we struck up a conversation. Things were actually going surprisingly well with this one. I will skip over all the boring stuff and fast-forward to 1:30am. Like something from out of the movies  - she asked me if I wanted to 'get out of there'. I damn near fainted because that NEVER happens (at least not to me). She proceeded to tell me she had to get her friend that was with her, and depended on her for a ride home. Her friend was a round little thing, but was very nice. We all got into the blonde's green Isuzu and headed down Randolph to her apartment. Her friend was naturally hungry, which came as no surprise, so we stopped at the Jack and the Box where we proceeded to wait in line for an hour. Once the little demon was happy, we headed back to their place. They lived together...which I didn't know, but assumed wouldn't be an issue. To my surprise, it wasn't. Her roommate went to bed as soon as we arrived.

The blonde and I made our way to her room, and for some reason I had a feeling my luck was changing. That all ended when I met the third member of the apartment - a little 'dog' named Chloe. Chloe of course demanded to sleep on the bed...and lick my face incessantly. I wanted to strangle the fucking thing...but couldn't. With Chloe there to provide hours of new conversation about dogs and shit...we damn near talked till the sun rose. Of course at this point we were both exhausted and proceeded to fall asleep. I wish I could report differently, but alas, I cannot. I awoke a short time after to see the sun had broken the horizon and Chloe staring me directly in the face. The blonde was passed out at this point and I decided to make my great escape. First of all, it was hot as hell in the apartment, and second of all, my beer goggles had once again betrayed me. I slipped out without Chloe sounding the alarm and started walking down Randolph while trying every number in my cell phone. I finally reached a friend who would come grab me. Upon their arrival, I told a very different story of how the night unfolded...but I feel like I should be honest with you. Enjoy your Thursday.

This past weekend I documented my trip to Strike City for you...I did take some liberties but it was more or less accurate. Anyways, after my bowling extravaganza, things got a bit strange back in the real world.

I headed to Town Tavern for a few gin & tonics, and to see what type of talent happened to be roaming the streets that night. Town Tavern isn't the biggest bar in the world, so I was lucky to find a seat at the bar and decided I would post up there until I could no longer see straight.

The hot bartender was fairly decent at supplying my drinks on a regular basis, despite the high volume clientele there. To you ma'm, I say thank you. Being that I know you work for tips, I won't take those sly smiles you shot my way as you flirting, unless you were flirting with my wallet, then I suppose I could interpret it as such. Anyways, I wasn't there but more than 30mins when a rather large lady rubbed my right shoulder while she was trying to order shots. She was having trouble getting the bartender's attention and therefore felt the need to share the following:

"I thought being a girl was suppose to make it easy to get a drink" she said.

"Lady, you haven't been a girl since you were 4yrs old" I thought to myself. I simply smiled and said, "yea, it is pretty busy tonight". 

"You seem to be doing alright. I guess if I looked more like you I'd get some service here" she replied. Lady, if you looked more like me you would of tried to hang yourself 20 times already, so consider it a blessing you don't. I didn't really know what to say in return, so I said nothing. 

"You want to take a shot?" she said. "Okay, I'll take 3 shots" she told the bartender before I could respond. "I have this really hot friend outside, you should come meet her!" was her ominous next line. Judging by her looks, this girl's version of 'hot' could mean many different things. 

Being somewhat drunk, I accepted the offer. We walked outside to the patio where her friend was smoking and I realized I had just fucked up, badly. Needless to say, they could of been identical twins. Anyways, she introduces me to her friend and we proceed to talk about real estate for the next hour. I don't know shit about real estate, but that was this girls profession so I kind of had no choice.

Realizing I had to get the fuck out of there before my kindness was portrayed as weakness, and the 'ladies' tried to abduct me, I said my goodbye's. She asked me for my phone number, claiming I could call her if I was ever in the market. I pray to God that market, was the real estate market. Foolishly I obliged, and proceeded to thank them for the drinks - close out my tab - and run the fuck away.

Feeling drained, I hit up Pita Pit and walked the fuck home. By the time I reached my apartment I had a text from our fair maiden claiming they were having an after party at the Holiday Inn on College. They wanted me to come. As I began to convulse, I put down my phone...and didn't touch it again till morning.

I wish I could report I went blubber‐busting that night, but alas, even I have standards. Beggars surely can't be choosers, but goddam, I have to draw the line somewhere. I ask myself why that girl thought I'd be a good match for her friend...every time I look myself in the mirror. I just sigh, quietly mutter 'fuck' and slip back into the mirror‐less world.